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jean
137 Posts |
 Posted - 07/17/2012 : 21:57:38
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i can find a lot of help in dealing with unintentional 'rude, crude and indifferent' behavior. but i can't find guidelines about how to handle intentional rude and crude behavior.
for instance: i was at a restaurant with 3 others -- two older sisters and my brother-in-law. one of my sisters pointed out a heavyset man at the next table eating his meal, a pasta dish, alone. this sister began to comment on how fat he was and how he was gobbling that pasta which he shouldn't even touch at his size, etc. etc.
the man looked up, obviously disturbed. i said 'shhh, he can hear you!!' the response i got was, "i WANT him to hear me! he's disgusting!" he heard that too.
these hurting comments were not directed at me, but they upset me plenty and i didn't know what to do. i just sat and ate in silence.
sometimes i have been on the receiving end of intentional rudeness and i don't know what to do then either. i usually do nothing.
maybe doing nothing is the best thing. but i was wondering if there are recovery guidelines in this kind of situation. i have more and more avoided contact with these folks. but they are sisters... and if there is some way to deal with it other than staying away, i'd give it a try...
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SandyLane
256 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2012 : 23:52:33
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Hi Jean,
The spotting, "Feelings should be expressed and temper supressed." comes to mind. Sometimes it's hard to express feelings without temper in the heat of the moment. Dr. Low suggests leaving the temper-producing siutation, if you can, and come back to it later (if necessary) when you have worked down your tempers. Expressing our feelings without temper is more effective when we are not emotional. People tend to take us more seriously. It's hard to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Also, perfection is an illusion. If and when you lose your temper, you can choose to drop the judgment against yourself for the sake of your mental health. Our supreme goal is our mental health. 
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flmiller
138 Posts |
Posted - 07/19/2012 : 09:48:49
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| Jean can take the temper out of the situation by spotting that her sisters are not wrong they are average. We know that people are sometimes rude, crude or indifferent but they are still average people even if they are intentionally rude. |
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oldtimer
1004 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2012 : 12:25:43
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| One of the first chapters in Selections touches on challenging situations. Another possibility is to put the incident in the four step format-- to spot. |
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Lipstick
201 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2012 : 13:12:29
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| The situation is an uncomfortable one,I think humour could have been an appropriate tool here - as in nobody's perfect. I read the autobiography of Dr lowe and it gave me a sense of his personality I think he was keen that we all be average and ur reaction to the scene in the restaurant was average so u should endorse for that. What an embarrassing situation to be in well done for watching ur thoughts on it and controlling ur tempers. L |
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luckygirl
76 Posts |
Posted - 08/08/2012 : 11:03:21
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The situation described is distressing but not dangerous.
I wonder which chapter specifically in Selections addresses this type of borderline example.
I agree that removing oneself from a temper producing situation is one approach, altho difficult at a restaurant.
I have stated my position, in distressing situations, that I would have to leave the table if the conversation continued in the manner it was going. Or I have changed the subject to objectivity. One of the two usually works. |
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with and without intention...
